Great start. The lore drops are fitting since the start of the VN is actually the MC exploring the ruins, and the monologue already tells us he got dad issues, and what to see in his backstory. Characters aren't bland and boring; they have personality and imperfection, and most important -- goals.
I liked that we have an established relationship already which makes I am hoping we'll get context of their intimacy as the casual conversation occurs every time -- granting readers more access how they came to be.
The lore drops are nice to have since we literally started exploring a ruin without context of the world. But I think it's due to have the character expand on the next chapter since we already got plenty of lore drops already surrounding the world. Unless, you want to add more, but I suggest it to be related to the plot like -- more context of why they fled, we only got a general idea, we need an expansion on that area, letting it flow naturally -- my opinion.
The start is: Worldbuilding, introduction and some lore; next chapter would need some polishing on who the characters are as we only got the surface. Fractured society is a hard plot to play around due to how complex it is, but I Like complex plots a lot -- it can show how well you are committed to the story. Loom update is nice, but most would probably ignore this but if the readers want an in-depth of the loom update from the casual conversation that occurred beforehand, I'd say it's a good rendition to explore the world as we read and revisit things -- QOL. Currently, with the lore of Chapter 1, you are between too much that it's overwhelming and too little the world is flat -- you're in just the right space of the amount of lore you are showing to the player as we get context of the place they are currently in and the conflict that is yet to be revealed. Since this is a cyperpunk theme... and transhumanism is often a staple concept of this sci-fi --- I wonder what upgrades and techs he will get!
Hoping fast updates with consistent quality <3 Kudos!
The setting is interesting and I'm eager to learn more about the factions, cultures and technologies we hear about. I think the LOOM is a great way to give us information without breaking immersion and I felt it told us enough to get a general idea of the world and characters while still leaving more to be discovered in the main storyline. Ravy's Story Time segment has intriguing implications. I suspect he's directly manipulating the Jazz without using Jazztech. The digital appearance and the way it recreates the ancient Liosian past suggests it has some connection to the cyberspace mentioned in the opening. The 'breathing' hallway and possible connection to Kweythwehnto also left me curious. Overall, the worldbuilding is original and creative so I'm eager to see where you go with it.
The writing had a consistently high quality and the introduction quickly pulled me in. I know some might not like the cryptic opening, but I personally wouldn't change anything. It's an effective way to get us invested in the mystery of what happened to the ancient Liosians, what their technology was like and how the opening narration is connected to the rest of the story. Bonus points for the clue in binary and the initial LOOM screen, I enjoyed these subtle hints. The character interactions and pace of the story were on point and kept me wanting more.
I loved the music and how well each track fit the mood of each scene. I like the sprites for the most part and the CG and background art are gorgeous. The UI was aesthetically pleasing and complements the theme of the game. You've already added image and music galleries which I appreciate.
As for possible improvements, I think there were some missed opportunities for CGs like during the rooftop embrace or the skydiving scene so I'd suggest adding a few more CGs to make the game more immersive. You've made good use of backgrounds for this but for some scenes I think it'd be better to see characters interacting with each other and the environment and for that a CG is better. Speaking of backgrounds, you might want to include them in the gallery alongside the CGs. Another thing, it would be better if the LOOM had an indicator showing which information was updated. I also think the posing of Kavir's hunched sprites looked a bit awkward and uncomfortable but perhaps that's just because they're meant to depict motion instead of being static. Overall, there's not much to improve so you're doing a fantastic job so far.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful feedback! There are some good ideas here we’ll consider for the future.
As for CGs, those are entirely limited by budget at the moment (though you are very correct about the CG placements, and I hope to revisit early chapters for more illustration development should our funding increase).
The game seems interesting thanks to it atmosphere, visual and writing styles, but because the setting is so otherworldly and crypitc the worldbuilding quickly confused me with a lot of information even with the built-in encyclopedia. Over the course of the first hour my mind couldn't be helped but bombarded with all sorts of questions, like:
What is the current state of the world and how high or low an average standard of living; how exactly these factors are influenced by Jazz corp; What role this corporation plays in grand scheme of things in general; why Nu Lios is ruined and why the corp or the government won’t rebuild it to expand their territory and salvage it into something useful; how exactly the clans function; how come protagonist so closely befriended the very boss of such an esteemed organisation like KE&E; What are his worldview, hopes, and dreams besides of simply going independent; what kind of limitation his power have from preventing him from essentially becoming a god; is this story is going to be as depressing and hopeless as Cyberpunk Edgerunners
well, you get the idea. I know that some of these questions will be answered later on, but it's kinda weird that instead of introducing at least a vague understanding of the world the story is too busy showing protagonist and his friend parkouring on abondend ruins first hour or so. It would be nice if the setting would answer at least a half of question that I have so I won't be endlessly confused while I'm readini this vn.
Other then that the story is immersive and enjoyable.
You are correct that many of these questions will be touched on over the course of the novel. Unfortunately, there’s a give and take when it comes to exposition and lore-seeding: Some people love it crunchy and dense, others find it obstructive to sift through.
We’ve already received feedback that there’s both too much lore and not enough, so figuring out how to the thread the needle to offer just the right amount of information will continue to be a challenge!
This is why we included the LOOM and also why we are doing the supplemental podcasts: So those folks who really want to dive into the world have that option, but without slowing the pace of the narrative. The important questions we’ll answer over time, the rest we’ll slip in where we can (with revisions as necessary).
Glad you guys listening to criticism. I myself don’t really like extensive exposition, but when your world-building is so complex it can become very overwhelming very fast. Then again, it might have been my personal problem as well as I usually prefer more simple settings.
Because of the linear nature of the narrative, there are presently no plans to allow for player customization of the main character.
(The planned story is very deep, so the added complexity of storing and accounting for player choices is beyond the current scope to keep development moving at a reasonable pace.)
The ladder was a great way to get attention, introduce things, and hit the ground running. The vague statements that were before that scene could be moved, cut, or significantly reduced down to the best parts as they mainly provided unclear bloat that lacked context. Bonus points for a "magic" system that felt original and dangerous.
The most memorable part of the poetry for me was the imagery of the hand with too many fingers reaching skywards. A very cool way to describe the tall buildings of the city imo. The foreshadowing isn't a bad idea, but it felt like it overstayed its welcome. The star crossed lovers intro from Romeo and Juliet comes to mind as how much keeps the reader's attention span. At the very least I suggest labeling it as a prolog so people have a clear expectation that what they're reading is directed at them rather then a character in the story.
Edit: Ah! I did see your review, and thank you for the feedback. I can say that yes, the Ravy character does have flaws - he is, after all, struggling for independence and self-empowerment after being sheltered for some time. The question is if he’s handling this struggle in the most productive or thoughtful of ways.😉
No doubt his impulsivity and inexperience will lead to conflict. The interesting thing, for me at least, is how he deals with the consequences.
Also a suggestion, but it's up to you, you might want to take it easy with the info dump on the lore since it would confuse some readers. Again it's up to you.
Yup, there’s definitely an art to efficiently communicating world details in stories like this: Too much and it gets bogged down and is potentially confusing. Too little and the world lacks depth and is even more confusing.
Trying to find that middle line is always the challenge, and I don’t pretend to always get it right. I’m certain we’ll veer back and forth and try to make refinements throughout development.
I love the soundtrack and the story so far. Already, we have hints at three big plots and I find that exciting! I'm invested. Even the art of Ravy and Kavir just looking at the city was gorgeous. Straight up took me to my own memories of gray skies and white winter days.
I really like that Ravy and Kavir are in an established relationship (or that's what it seems like to me at least) at the start of the game and somewhat intimate at that, a nice change of pace from other vns.
We considered nonlinear routes, but determined the planned story was too long and too complex. It could as much as triple development time. We know this will disappoint some players, but hope the strength of the story will speak for itself!
What a strong and original concept! :D I absolutely adore the direction of the story, love the well constructed characters, and have become enamoured by the interesting universe~ ^^_
Amazing work. A true masterpiece in the making UwU
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Great start. The lore drops are fitting since the start of the VN is actually the MC exploring the ruins, and the monologue already tells us he got dad issues, and what to see in his backstory. Characters aren't bland and boring; they have personality and imperfection, and most important -- goals.
I liked that we have an established relationship already which makes I am hoping we'll get context of their intimacy as the casual conversation occurs every time -- granting readers more access how they came to be.
The lore drops are nice to have since we literally started exploring a ruin without context of the world. But I think it's due to have the character expand on the next chapter since we already got plenty of lore drops already surrounding the world. Unless, you want to add more, but I suggest it to be related to the plot like -- more context of why they fled, we only got a general idea, we need an expansion on that area, letting it flow naturally -- my opinion.
The start is: Worldbuilding, introduction and some lore; next chapter would need some polishing on who the characters are as we only got the surface.
Fractured society is a hard plot to play around due to how complex it is, but I Like complex plots a lot -- it can show how well you are committed to the story.
Loom update is nice, but most would probably ignore this but if the readers want an in-depth of the loom update from the casual conversation that occurred beforehand, I'd say it's a good rendition to explore the world as we read and revisit things -- QOL.
Currently, with the lore of Chapter 1, you are between too much that it's overwhelming and too little the world is flat -- you're in just the right space of the amount of lore you are showing to the player as we get context of the place they are currently in and the conflict that is yet to be revealed.
Since this is a cyperpunk theme... and transhumanism is often a staple concept of this sci-fi --- I wonder what upgrades and techs he will get!
Hoping fast updates with consistent quality <3
Kudos!
This is a very strong start and I'm impressed.
The setting is interesting and I'm eager to learn more about the factions, cultures and technologies we hear about. I think the LOOM is a great way to give us information without breaking immersion and I felt it told us enough to get a general idea of the world and characters while still leaving more to be discovered in the main storyline. Ravy's Story Time segment has intriguing implications. I suspect he's directly manipulating the Jazz without using Jazztech. The digital appearance and the way it recreates the ancient Liosian past suggests it has some connection to the cyberspace mentioned in the opening. The 'breathing' hallway and possible connection to Kweythwehnto also left me curious. Overall, the worldbuilding is original and creative so I'm eager to see where you go with it.
The writing had a consistently high quality and the introduction quickly pulled me in. I know some might not like the cryptic opening, but I personally wouldn't change anything. It's an effective way to get us invested in the mystery of what happened to the ancient Liosians, what their technology was like and how the opening narration is connected to the rest of the story. Bonus points for the clue in binary and the initial LOOM screen, I enjoyed these subtle hints. The character interactions and pace of the story were on point and kept me wanting more.
I loved the music and how well each track fit the mood of each scene. I like the sprites for the most part and the CG and background art are gorgeous. The UI was aesthetically pleasing and complements the theme of the game. You've already added image and music galleries which I appreciate.
As for possible improvements, I think there were some missed opportunities for CGs like during the rooftop embrace or the skydiving scene so I'd suggest adding a few more CGs to make the game more immersive. You've made good use of backgrounds for this but for some scenes I think it'd be better to see characters interacting with each other and the environment and for that a CG is better. Speaking of backgrounds, you might want to include them in the gallery alongside the CGs. Another thing, it would be better if the LOOM had an indicator showing which information was updated. I also think the posing of Kavir's hunched sprites looked a bit awkward and uncomfortable but perhaps that's just because they're meant to depict motion instead of being static. Overall, there's not much to improve so you're doing a fantastic job so far.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful feedback! There are some good ideas here we’ll consider for the future.
As for CGs, those are entirely limited by budget at the moment (though you are very correct about the CG placements, and I hope to revisit early chapters for more illustration development should our funding increase).
The game seems interesting thanks to it atmosphere, visual and writing styles, but because the setting is so otherworldly and crypitc the worldbuilding quickly confused me with a lot of information even with the built-in encyclopedia. Over the course of the first hour my mind couldn't be helped but bombarded with all sorts of questions, like:
What is the current state of the world and how high or low an average standard of living; how exactly these factors are influenced by Jazz corp; What role this corporation plays in grand scheme of things in general; why Nu Lios is ruined and why the corp or the government won’t rebuild it to expand their territory and salvage it into something useful; how exactly the clans function; how come protagonist so closely befriended the very boss of such an esteemed organisation like KE&E; What are his worldview, hopes, and dreams besides of simply going independent; what kind of limitation his power have from preventing him from essentially becoming a god;
is this story is going to be as depressing and hopeless as Cyberpunk Edgerunnerswell, you get the idea. I know that some of these questions will be answered later on, but it's kinda weird that instead of introducing at least a vague understanding of the world the story is too busy showing protagonist and his friend parkouring on abondend ruins first hour or so. It would be nice if the setting would answer at least a half of question that I have so I won't be endlessly confused while I'm readini this vn.
Other then that the story is immersive and enjoyable.
Thank you so much for engaging with the work!
You are correct that many of these questions will be touched on over the course of the novel. Unfortunately, there’s a give and take when it comes to exposition and lore-seeding: Some people love it crunchy and dense, others find it obstructive to sift through.
We’ve already received feedback that there’s both too much lore and not enough, so figuring out how to the thread the needle to offer just the right amount of information will continue to be a challenge!
This is why we included the LOOM and also why we are doing the supplemental podcasts: So those folks who really want to dive into the world have that option, but without slowing the pace of the narrative. The important questions we’ll answer over time, the rest we’ll slip in where we can (with revisions as necessary).
Glad you guys listening to criticism. I myself don’t really like extensive exposition, but when your world-building is so complex it can become very overwhelming very fast. Then again, it might have been my personal problem as well as I usually prefer more simple settings.
Your feedback is valuable! I appreciate you taking the time to offer it.
And absolutely–it can definitely become overwhelming. This is me struggling to get it right 😬 hehe
For now. Changes will occur in the story, hints of which are embedded in the title screen. But in short: Yes, the MC is human.
Will there be options to change our race? So each person can choose what they will be?
Because of the linear nature of the narrative, there are presently no plans to allow for player customization of the main character.
(The planned story is very deep, so the added complexity of storing and accounting for player choices is beyond the current scope to keep development moving at a reasonable pace.)
The ladder was a great way to get attention, introduce things, and hit the ground running. The vague statements that were before that scene could be moved, cut, or significantly reduced down to the best parts as they mainly provided unclear bloat that lacked context.
Bonus points for a "magic" system that felt original and dangerous.
That intro is going to be the death of me. 😩 The indulgent desire to poetically foreshadow vs the realities of pacing.
Thank you for the feedback!
The most memorable part of the poetry for me was the imagery of the hand with too many fingers reaching skywards. A very cool way to describe the tall buildings of the city imo.
The foreshadowing isn't a bad idea, but it felt like it overstayed its welcome. The star crossed lovers intro from Romeo and Juliet comes to mind as how much keeps the reader's attention span. At the very least I suggest labeling it as a prolog so people have a clear expectation that what they're reading is directed at them rather then a character in the story.
Chef’s kiss. Love this kind of feedback. Much appreciated!
We’re definitely going to be revisiting it.
Android build 🙏🥰 I can't wait to read this tn, Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Love kavir
It's okay, I guess
Oh? Did something in particular bother you?
Edit: Ah! I did see your review, and thank you for the feedback. I can say that yes, the Ravy character does have flaws - he is, after all, struggling for independence and self-empowerment after being sheltered for some time. The question is if he’s handling this struggle in the most productive or thoughtful of ways.😉
No doubt his impulsivity and inexperience will lead to conflict. The interesting thing, for me at least, is how he deals with the consequences.
I hope you continue reading to see how he grows!
Also a suggestion, but it's up to you, you might want to take it easy with the info dump on the lore since it would confuse some readers. Again it's up to you.
Yup, there’s definitely an art to efficiently communicating world details in stories like this: Too much and it gets bogged down and is potentially confusing. Too little and the world lacks depth and is even more confusing.
Trying to find that middle line is always the challenge, and I don’t pretend to always get it right. I’m certain we’ll veer back and forth and try to make refinements throughout development.
I love the soundtrack and the story so far. Already, we have hints at three big plots and I find that exciting! I'm invested. Even the art of Ravy and Kavir just looking at the city was gorgeous. Straight up took me to my own memories of gray skies and white winter days.
I love this! <3
I really like that Ravy and Kavir are in an established relationship (or that's what it seems like to me at least) at the start of the game and somewhat intimate at that, a nice change of pace from other vns.
Really interesting world! Hope we get to find out what some of the places are
The immediate world and geography will definitely be expanded on in the story, through the LOOM database, and in some podcasts we have planned.
bump
Waiting android ver :I
It’s done! (Finally, hehe.)
Will this remain linear, or will it have choices in later builds?
It will remain linear.
We considered nonlinear routes, but determined the planned story was too long and too complex. It could as much as triple development time. We know this will disappoint some players, but hope the strength of the story will speak for itself!
Out of my point of view we need more dam great stories like this 🔥
Any chance you plan to make an android version?
Yes, one is in the works. We’ll make a dev post once it’s ready!
Aaaand it’s ready!
What a strong and original concept! :D I absolutely adore the direction of the story, love the well constructed characters, and have become enamoured by the interesting universe~ ^^_
Amazing work. A true masterpiece in the making UwU
Thank you!
Can you add the windows and mac tags to the downloads so people using the itch.io app can download.
Fixed! Thanks for catching that oversight.
please add "bara" to tags 🤩
I wait for Android release :)
Coming soon!
And ready!
Woo! great stuff! I love Kavir!!!
Question, is the MC a human?
He is. For now.
"For now"?... That's literally make or break info for a lot of people.
“For now” meaning changes will occur in the story, hints of which are embedded in the title screen. But in short: Yes, the MC is human.